My wife, Kathleen, did not join me on my thru-hike, but we have hiked together often, including a seventy-mile stretch of the John Muir Trail. We both look back at the experience with very fond memories.
Unfortunately, not all hikes-for-couples work out so well. Three rules made the difference for us:
- The most important was: no complaining! Morale on the trail is a fragile thing; we didn’t want discomfort on the hike to wield power over our experience. Either of us could point out that we were cold (and needed a layer), or had a headache (and needed a pill), or were dragging a bit (and needed a break). Commenting on a problem with the intent of finding a solution was fine. Just no griping.
- The second rule was: the slower person leads. In our case that happened to be Kathleen, and she led every step of the way. Our goal was to hike together, and by putting her in front, with an agreement that she could walk at any speed she wanted, we accomplished just that. One afternoon we met an older gentleman that was hiking the trail with his son—except that he wasn’t. His son had sped ahead to, well, we weren’t quite sure where, since we hadn’t seen him. (They were hiking northbound; we were going south.) Apparently, the son had decided to take a side trip and dad was on his own. Perhaps the son was having fun, but the dad sure wasn’t.
- Last, both of us got to do what we wanted. Frequently, I would want to stop to take a picture (which often entails much more than, pause, click). Either one of us could call for a break. When we got to camp and had chores done, I liked to wander around, talk to other hikers, and explore. Kathleen preferred the commodious confines of the tent where she indulged in a bath (accomplished with the use of a couple of baby wipes). Even though we were together, we hiked our own hike!
A couple of last notes, particularly for male backpackers. Assuming you succeed in getting your other half out on the trail, do whatever you can to make her comfortable while she’s there. Do more than your share of chores, like setting up camp and cooking. Don’t be the guy who makes his wife do everything, and then can’t undertand why she doesn’t want to go backpacking again!
Last, if you’re trying to get your wife or girlfriend to try a long, multiday hike through the backcountry, be prepared to hear all kinds of objections revolving around the bugs, the dirt and sleeping on the hard ground. Chances are that none of these are the real problem.
Instead, order her a copy of this.
Good hiking, Ray
Another way is to buy yourself a copy of Wild by Sheryl Strayed and let your partner of twenty years read it first. Next years (Secret) solo hike is now for two.
Very true! My wife and my mother read “Wild” this summer and they both enjoyed it. It’s on my list, but I haven’t started it yet.
Ray. I really enjoyed the post you suggested Dave read. My better half and I are doing a thru-hike of the JMT this summer, and I believe your tips are spot on. Heidi has already read Wild and was inspired by it. All the best. Rod
Thanks, Rod! Good hiking!
[…] Kathleen, and I hiked a portion of the John Muir Trail in the summer of 2007. I am a huge fan of hiking with your spouse, but that’s not what this post is about. Instead, I’d like to describe one of the many […]
Haha! Or find yourself a girl like me that loves bugs, dirt and walking through the woods. 🙂
So true!
[…] 5. If you are hiking with someone, work out how you are going to hike ahead of time. Morale is fragile on the trail, and can easily be damaged if one person’s expectations are different from another’s. Are you going to walk with each other, or go your own pace? What are your daily mileage goals? Work this out before you begin, and if you are hiking with your spouse, read this. […]
Hi Ray, I love your book and blog and you have a lot of important points in this posting. I know you’re posting based on your personal experience but I’d like to point out that it’s not always the sterotypical female half of the equation who protests about sleeping in the woods. There are plenty of women on the ‘Ladies of the JMT’ FB group who lament about their boyfriend’s lack of desire to join them backpacking and I was impressed to see so many female solo hikers or groups of females doing the JMT. I was lucky to convince my husband to get back out there–he did plenty of backpacking in his younger years and, once he started making good money, decided that a nice hotel was better than a tent. Once I got him out he was re-inspired and we’ve been backpacking together since then. Luckily neither of us seems to bonk on the same day but when one of us does the other always picks up the slack with encouraging words, suggesting more or longer rest breaks and doing little things like blowing up the other person’s air mattress or getting the water. The issues you describe can be gender-neutral!
Thanks for the comment, Inga. Neither I, nor my wife, nor my daughter, could fairly be described as “feminists”, but I couldn’t agree with you more. I’ve lost count of the solo-women (some quite young), mother-daughter teams, and other small groups of women I’ve met on the trail. All seemed more than competent, and I’ve learned a bunch from many. I guess my main point is this: if you want your spouse to enjoy the experience, why not do what you can to make the experience enjoyable? So many times the less-enthusiastic spouse is put off by hiking because the more enthusiastic spouse seems determined to make the experience difficult and unpleasant. I guess I first learned this from my experience as a sailboat owner. So many of my fellow sailors had trouble getting their wives on their boats. Why? Because the husbands insisted that their spouse cook, clean, and generally acted like Captain Bligh while aboard. And then they wonder why next week they’re sailing alone?!